On Luxury Vacations

If your eyes work (no offense meant to any with ocular disabilities), you may be tempted by the white sands and clear turquoise waters of Antigua. Sure, the Caribbean sun baking your epidermis to an elite crisp is an offer that is hard to refuse. Chances of melanoma aside, you know better than to jet off to tropical islands for months at a time.

Trust me, and trust yourself. You know better.

To truly enjoy a furlough in a spot like Antigua, you'd need airfare (or, Heaven forbid, a cruise barge), a private house (no use cohabitating with noisy, SPF-slicked tourists), amenities for the week, and at least $5k in spending money. After all, you've earned this vacation, haven't you? And now POOF! you've just dropped $8,000 on your winter escape. Winter, of course, because it would be unbearably toasty in the summer months, and what better (and new) way to spend the winter holidays? Oh! Now add at least another $500 to the expense column, you've got gifts to buy and your family to bribe so they won't disown you for abandoning them in December.

Wow. Even when speaking hypothetically, my already-plundered and shrunken wallet has run for cover. And it doesn't scare that easily.

Do yourself and your travel partner(s) a favor and keep it simple. Even a day trip to a local spa or a weekend in a nearby secluded, nature-y spot will seem lush as long as you have the right mindset. Maybe you'll feast on McDonald's. But it's a McDonald's you've never been to before! There's an all new PlayPlace that you haven't yet explored or been banned from yet. Not to mention the new population of strangers who 1) don't know your life story, 2) don't know that you're a convicted felon in several states, 3) don't have restraining orders out against you (yet), and, most importantly, 4) don't care!

So go out. Discover. Adventure. Cause trouble. But for the safety of your wallet, please please please remain on the continent. You'll be glad you did.