On Gourmet Meals

There's no place like home for the holidays, and rightly so. At this stressful time of year, who else would put up with you besides your family? Excuse me, I'm making the assumption that they do tolerate you. Whether or not you're spending this wintry season alone, with friends, family, or all of the above, you know what it's all about: the food. Quit trying to be so fancy. You're not.

In the middle of all the mess that comes along with a reunited family is the attempted culinary sophistication that invariably happens in nearly every kitchen across the globe. Instead of sticking to simple favorites, this seems the appropriate time to craft something complicated under the pressure of knowing that your in-laws are watching and judging from just beyond the stove top. Who needs caviar, escargot, kalamari, or any other slimy, slightly fish-y excuse for an hors d'oeuvre cluttering the tablescape?* Not I. Chuck the fancy vocabulary of braising, broiling, sautéing, flambéing, pureeing, kneading, scalding, and worst of all, cooking. You're not as lofty as you think you are when you talk like that. You just sound like an idiot.

It's hard not to focus on foodstuffs at this time of year, and healthy foodstuffs at that. We're staving off winter's chill with hot toddies and fresh cookies and a turkey or three or four. Thanksgiving is Hallmark's best excuse to wish you were wearing pants with an elastic waistband, and Christmas cookies are where it's at, not Christmas carrots. Plus, the more cookies you leave for the children to eat, the more hyper they'll be and the more places you'll find frosting when you clean next month. So really, you're doing everyone a favor by taking these sugary delights off their hands.

You're not Bobby Flay (and thank goodness, because he's obnoxious), so quit trying to be. Take it easy on yourself and those cooking with you and do what you know. What's wrong with Kraft Macaroni & Cheese on Thanksgiving? Absolutely nothing!

The point is to be thankful; the importance of the season is your attitude. So lay back, relax. Be yourself - and express that with how and what you cook. Watch the Macy's Parade and spike the eggnog. It's all in the spirit of giving, after all.

*Let it be noted that "tablescape" is a shout-out to Sandra Lee of the Food Network and all of her awful, awful awful ideas, catch phrases, and stand mixers that match her outfits. *

On Luxury Vacations

If your eyes work (no offense meant to any with ocular disabilities), you may be tempted by the white sands and clear turquoise waters of Antigua. Sure, the Caribbean sun baking your epidermis to an elite crisp is an offer that is hard to refuse. Chances of melanoma aside, you know better than to jet off to tropical islands for months at a time.

Trust me, and trust yourself. You know better.

To truly enjoy a furlough in a spot like Antigua, you'd need airfare (or, Heaven forbid, a cruise barge), a private house (no use cohabitating with noisy, SPF-slicked tourists), amenities for the week, and at least $5k in spending money. After all, you've earned this vacation, haven't you? And now POOF! you've just dropped $8,000 on your winter escape. Winter, of course, because it would be unbearably toasty in the summer months, and what better (and new) way to spend the winter holidays? Oh! Now add at least another $500 to the expense column, you've got gifts to buy and your family to bribe so they won't disown you for abandoning them in December.

Wow. Even when speaking hypothetically, my already-plundered and shrunken wallet has run for cover. And it doesn't scare that easily.

Do yourself and your travel partner(s) a favor and keep it simple. Even a day trip to a local spa or a weekend in a nearby secluded, nature-y spot will seem lush as long as you have the right mindset. Maybe you'll feast on McDonald's. But it's a McDonald's you've never been to before! There's an all new PlayPlace that you haven't yet explored or been banned from yet. Not to mention the new population of strangers who 1) don't know your life story, 2) don't know that you're a convicted felon in several states, 3) don't have restraining orders out against you (yet), and, most importantly, 4) don't care!

So go out. Discover. Adventure. Cause trouble. But for the safety of your wallet, please please please remain on the continent. You'll be glad you did.